The Dead Lord General or Tavington to the rescue
by Syndromia
Summary: The Lord General thinks he's dead and it's up to Tavington to convince him otherwise! I got this idea while reading the July edition of Discover magazine. Please be kind and review. Complaints are welcome
1. A rude awakening

A/N: Hello, this is one more new story. I'm sorry Capricorn and I am Durza aren't farther along but I should be updating Capricorn in the next day or so (otherwise known as when I find the #& document)  
  
Tavington woke from a rare deep sleep to hear his second in command, Capt. Bordon shouting at him to wake. After a few minuts more of Bordon's yells, Col. Tavington rose with more than a little umm, interesting, language.  
"What is it Capt.?" Tavington demanded icily, as a lifelong insomniac he despised being denied the only sleep he was able to snatch.  
"I'm sorry to wake you sir, but there is something you need to attend to right now!"  
"What NOW?" Tavington snapped warpishly.  
"I'm sorry again, but I have no information, just that you are to report to the lord General's office."  
The Col. Sighed, he was in for a lecture. He dismissed Bordon and dressed hastily. 


	2. dead or delusional: what Tavington saw

Disclaimer: I don't own the Patriot (especially that idiot O'Hara.)  
  
A/N: Look! A random update! Yep you guessed it! You have found the slightly eccentric story written by yours truly (I told you I could do something other than depressing stuff.)  
  
Tavington entered the Lord General's chambers. He was instantly on his guard; the normally bright room was heavily curtained.  
Tavington laughed nervously, "Who died?" he asked uncharacteristically creeped out.  
"It's funny you should ask that Col.". Tavington turned to see Gen. O'Hara with an interesting mix of fear and arrogance in his face, "Go into that room" he drawled pointing to an open door.  
As Tavington entered, he saw Lord General Cornwallis lying in bed. "Well Col., we seemed to have fallen upon dire times."  
"How so my Lord?" Tavington asked curiously.  
"I'm dead," His Lordship whispered, looking terrified.  
"Your what sir?" Tavington's minimal professional instincts were instantly aroused. He hadn't taken several years worth of psyche courses for nothing. Classic dementia. He would have to treat this gently. Even he could see the irony in the situation.  
"Is everything alright?" Tavington turned to see O'Hara staring apprehensively at his lordship.  
"A word with you Gen.?" Tavington snapped. O'Hara nodded and left the room with Tavington close behind. "Why did you send for me? Did you think I could do anything?"  
"I was hoping you could talk some sense into him" O'Hara looked nervous.  
"No, you were hoping I would lose my patients and say something that would get me court marseled."  
"Well, that too," O'Hara smirked.  
"OK, even I have to admit, that was funny" Tavington smiled, "Now, back to business. I happen to have a degree in psychology. He is obviously delusional."  
"Should we watch him for suicide?"  
"O'Hara, you idiot! Of course we will waste soldiers to ensure that the "dead" man doesn't kill himself!"  
"Oh yeah, he thinks he's dead"  
"What? Did he not mention that little detail?" Tavington roared, then more dejectedly, "I'll see what I can do"

A/N: I swear, that depression induced delusions is exactly what the doctor in discover called it. And Tavington can snap at O'Hara because he is now Cornwallis's doctor (and I hate O'Hara's guts). The story will get funnier later I promise! Just stick with me, I have to get Col. Tavington into "Doctor" Tavington mode. It'll take a few chapters.


	3. A Diagnosis!

_Disclaimer: I still don't own the Patriot pout_

"What made you think you are dead?" Tavington was in full time shrink mode.

"I don't think I'm dead, I _know _it!"

"Ok, what made you know you were dead" Tavington asked, completely calmly.

"I just woke up dead" To his everlasting credit, Tavington kept a perfectly straight face. Inwardly he was torn between a sigh of exasperation and an uncharacteristic burst of laughter.

"What made you know that you are dead?"

"I just was."

"Yes, I know, what made you know?"

"I just did."

_Three Weeks later..._

"It's hopeless! He will never be 'alive' again!" Tavington was venting to Capt. Bordon. As always, Tavington was being more than a little snarky, "I just wish that I knew what caused it!"

"You hate this don't you?"

"_Thank you_ captain obvious!" The col. Snapped sarcastically, then, more excitedly, Melancholia!"

"_What_?!"

"Depression coupled with delusions," Tavington explained excitedly.

"Great, a diagnosis; now what?" Bordon asked.

"Um, good question."

"Great," Bordon moaned.

"We have a diagnosis, but we don't know what to do with it," Tavington explained to O'Hara.

"What is wrong with him and how can you not know what to do, oh great shrink?"

"At least **could **come up with the diagnosis," Tavington shot back.

"Well what **can **you do?"

"Um, first we need to know what caused it."

"Back to the drawing board then?"

"Yep."

"So what made you know you are dead?"

"I already told you! I just woke up dead!"

Tavington was back to speaking with the lord general, much to everyone's dismay; nine tenths of them believed Tavington would solve the problem by killing the Lord General for real.

A/N: I finally updated! The reason for the delay, for those who don't know, was several weeks learning to play bells, then three weeks finding out I'm not playing bells and learning a lot of other instruments instead (I'm a pianist and clarinetist normally)!


	4. psyco incounters that randomly result in...

A/N: This is what happens when you get me very tired, bored, and on a sugar high! For those who don't want to read anything that is not important to the story, don't read this!

Disclaimer: I don't own Tavington, or any other Patriot characters, Eragon, or any of the characters in it, nor do I own Joel Madden. So there! Any other people you see are my friends and they gave permission gladly. _And I own them!_

Oh yeah, any talking will be done in play format. You know

Billy Jane Jim Bob: Hi!

_Recapping: Cornwallis believes he is dead. Tavington is his shrink. O'Hara is an idiot_

Tavington was walking in an empty field, after another fruitless visit with the lord general, he left to keep himself from shooting said Lord.

As he was randomly wandering, the author randomly sent her friend, Kitty, to visit the longsuffering Tavington.

And from the sound of it, she only made him suffer more.

Tavington and Kitty: Ah! Who _are_ you?"

The author (I love putting myself in stories) appeared.

Catherine Tavington: I'm Catherine and this is Kitty. Kitty, this is Tavington. The two of

them, mollified, exchanged the usual pleasantries, 'Nice meeting you.' And 'Whatever, Catherine, why am I here?' You can guess who said what.

After many lengthy explanations, Kitty asked if Cat could bring Joel Madden. Cat of course said yes.

She snapped her fingers and the ever-wonderful Joel Madden appeared.

Joel; "Where am I?"

Kitty: Catherine, could you?

Catherine: Sure! She snapped her fingers

Joel: Kitty, my love! Catherine led them off the scene.

Tavington: That was, um, odd.

Catherine: But fun! She snapped her fingers again and Dracula showed up! After she and

Tavington got bored with heckling him, they sent him back.

Van Helsing randomly appeared.

Van Helsing: Which way did he go? Which way did he go?

Catherine and Tavington together: In there, points where Kitty and Joel are

Van: What in the world?!!

Kitty: Catherine!

Catherine: Oh alright, snaps her fingers

Van: Kitty, my love!

Catherine and Tavington groaned.

Catherine: they're kinda slowing down the story, aren't they?

Tavington: Just a bit.

Catherine: Right then! She snapped her fingers and Joel and Van disappeared!

Kitty: What!?!?!?!

Kitty: What have you done to Joel?

Catherine: Kitty, he doesn't belong here, he was messing up the story.

Kitty: Send me to him already.

Catherinesigh: Oh, all right. A magic portal opened up.

Catherine: In there.

Kitty stepped through the portal.

Tavington: Should we have told her that he's no longer in love with her?

Together: Nah…

In the story "I Am Durza" 

Durza and Eragon were fighting for all they were worth. Sword hit sword with bone jarring force, when suddenly a random man with tattoos and spiked hair ran by.

Joel: Help!!! She's after me!!!!!

Eragon and Durza just stared as an apparently mad female chased after the random man.

Kitty: Joel, come back! Please come back!

Eragon, to Durza: Shouldn't you be checking that out?

Durza: Yes, but I'm not going to.

Eragon: Don't blame you.

The two resumed their duel when an odd boy with sandy hair and glasses, carrying a butcher's knife approached.

Goose: Have you seen a random man being pursued by a psycho girl?

Durza and Eragon: They went that way.

Goose: Thanks!

Shaking their heads, Durza and Eragon resumed their duel.

Only to be interrupted by screams.

Kitty (in the distance): Goose! Put the knife down! Put it down! Nooooooooooooooo! Joel!

Goose: maniacal laughter

A/N: Did you like it? No, I don't have anything against Joel. I just had to suffer through an entire night of Kitty raving about how wonderful he is! It got quite annoying after five hours…

Reviewer's notes

Arsinoe de Blassenville: Ha ha, very funny, I had a rough time with that. You try to memorize music on instruments that you've never seen! Anyway, I hope you liked this.

Jade 7777: Really that's funny; I'm the world's biggest drama queen. Did you know that at our school play, everyone's wallet was stolen?

Eccentric Banshee: Thanks, and thanks for reviewing. I love your story, Savage Ice. But you already knew that didn't you?

Lady Mary Tavington: Glad you liked it. And if you are ladymarytavington, I loved your story, Behind the Ice. It made me happy when you reviewed.

That's that. Review to this and I'll give you all a surprise!


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